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“Esquire Malaysia May 2011″

Esquire have kindly allowed me to reprint the monthly articles that I’ve been writing for them for the last few years. This week’s blast from the past comes from April 2011. Check out Esquire Malaysia each month for my latest articles.

Sweet like chocolate? Maybe not. Here’s why some girls say vanilla is the best.

Let me tell you something I always tell my audiences: I am no SPG—but my friends are. Yes, we comics must always have some truth in what we say, and in this matter, as I looked lovingly across the room to the corner where my friends were sitting, I could not tell a lie. If you don’t already know, the Sarong Party Girl is what we call the Asian lady who seems to only want white boys. This begs the question: Is there a big difference between going out with a white man and seeing an Asian/Malaysian guy? And why does the SPG/ expatriate dating scene only serve to describe Asian/Caucasian hook-ups when it really should cover all expats? And for that matter, you know I was once berated by some Chinese dude at a bar for apparently being sweet on the white lads? Why, that’s just preposterous.

Everyone knows I prefer dark meat. So, back to the question: Are expat men any better? To answer that, we have to look at what women—in general want: I call it “The Three S’s”, which stands for sex, security and swept [away]. Let’s start with swept [away]. According to my SPG friends, expats are experts at wooing. They know the art of romance. They charm and they seduce. They surprise you with gifts and sexy escapades. Some women might say this sounds a lot like entrapment, but what girl doesn’t like to be won over with lustrous pursuits? Look, in these tough times, you don’t have to cart us o to some exotic island getaway. We’ll even take the Ku De Ta at Singapore’s Marina Bay Sands. The sad part is, most local men will put a price on sweeping a woman o her feet. “Eighty dollars? That’s two hundred ringgit! Can’t we just sit by the pool? It’s not bad, what.” You wouldn’t get that from an expat, say the SPGs.

They’re assertive— sometimes aggressive—and if they want you, they don’t waste any time. In my own experience, I have to say I’ve had cobwebs in my basement waiting for an Asian guy to tell me he fancied some of this. Next is the matter of security. There are two stereotypical SPGs who go for the expats—the lady who lingers longer at the bar than anyone else, and the woman who stays longer at the office than anyone else. For both of them, it’s the foreign currency salary potential of the expat male that’s desirable. That and the extra perks that usually come with the job. You know, the free housing, the expense account, the green card… One expat friend of mine just spent ten thousand ringgit on a kitchen table.

All I could think was, for that kind of money, you can eat your dinner o me! And finally, there’s the sex. Are the expats better in bed than the locals? The truth is, all men aren’t born equal, and maybe some foreigners have a genetic advantage over our Malaysian brothers. But size isn’t everything, and while I’ve got nothing to complain about, strength and stamina will eventually summarise a man’s performance. As a Chinese girlfriend who’s now sleeping with her first white guy says about her new love life: “OMG, my ex only fifteen minutes, but this one damn long!”

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