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“Esquire Malaysia July 2011″

Esquire have kindly allowed me to reprint the monthly articles that I’ve been writing for them for the last few years. This week’s blast from the past comes from July 2011.

Check out Esquire Malaysia each month for my latest articles.


I had a very weird awakening one night by a lover that insisted on going south. The only problem was, although he tried his utmost best, he wasn’t exactly equipped with the right skills to go down that path. Orally speaking, I was tempted to just whack the guy on the head, turn the laptop on, Google “how to perform oral sex on your woman”, and leave him with that for a while. Instead I decided to maneuver him elsewhere, much to my disappointment, but I thought it’s better to divert his attention than to have my basement feel violated. I’m sure in every woman’s life there will come a time when a lover is too keen, or maybe not keen enough, about the munchies. In fact, one of my mates shared a rather embarrassing secret with me: When he was a teenager, for his eighteenth birthday, his father gave him a present that would make a boy a man. No, it wasn’t a Porsche; his father bought him a night with a lady of leisure.

She was definitely much older than him, and as the night proceeded, he decided, all right, let’s try and find that spot that every woman claims will drive her crazy. He took the plunge and dove in, and after a few encouraging moans, he kept remembering every technique he had read up on. After about fifteen minutes, he looked up, and to his astonishment and surprise found the lady asleep, snoring slightly. He was left with such a deflated ego that it took years of therapeutic counseling to heal. Yes, Daddy should have bought him that Porsche after all.

When it comes down to it, every man would love to master the art of oral sex, and boast that he can make a woman climax more than three times in a night. It’s kind of funny; I actually had one that kept count: He literally stopped halfway and asked me, “Was that a two or a three?” There are endless techniques out there on the Internet for an apprentice to pick up, but, of course, the best way to achieve your goal is constant practice. Sadly, not all women have the same basement—what works for some may not work for others. I personally think men should take lessons from lesbians. After all, I have had enough encounters to know the difference. However, finding a lesbian to disclose her knowledge to a man, you can file that under “fiction”. I mean, they are all after the same pie.

aren’t they? So, the first lesson is you actually need to enjoy being down there. If lurking in the basement is just so you can get your hardware into the right space, then, dear boy, you’re never going to conquer the south. It’s best that you just work on the north where the hills are, and focus on other parts of the land. Here’s a tip for you cowboys: The next time you go down south, and instead of being pushed forward you’re diverted elsewhere, it’s time to readjust your mode of delivery. It’s not that bad

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