ESQUIRE: THE DIRTIEST MOUTH IN MALAYSIA
“Esquire Malaysia November 2011” http://www.esquire.my
Esquire have kindly allowed me to reprint the monthly articles that I’ve been writing for them for the last few years. This week’s blast from the past comes from April 2011. Check out Esquire Malaysia each month for my latest articles.
WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT
Growing up, there were lots of things in life I was looking forward to achieving. Being known as “The Dirtiest Mouth in Malaysia” wasn’t exactly one of them.
My reputation as the woman with the most notorious comedy act in town has earned me many titles. Outrageous. Naughty. Bitchy. Some even say I am vulgar and I have a mouth that makes unfamiliar with my work as to what I do for a living, I always shock them by say- ing that I tell the dirtiest jokes in town and get paid doing it. Personally, I don’t think that I’m racy, although I do admit that Asian women don’t generally go on stage and talk about men’s equipment, or trade stories about their sexual escapades. In terms of men’s genitalia, I classify the Malay- sian man as a cluster of different types of men. We have the Chinese, who I en- dearingly call the “lap cheongs”—short, stumpy, salty [they do tend to get salty once in a while], the Malays who I find are slightly spiced like their “satays,” and of course one must never leave out the Indians; they can get quite crunchy like “papadams.” Our Eurasian brothers are what I would call “rojak”—sweet, spicy and their topping of nuts can be quite generous. Mind you, it’s not like I woke up one day and found myself spewing sexual innuendos like a bitch in heat and look- ing like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. My education into the field of sexual con- notation came much later in life; in fact you could say that I had no choice but to stage it.
In my defence, when I told my first dirty joke, I was still a virgin. We all have to start somewhere. I remember being backstage and being coached on stories of countless sexual tapestries of every colour and imagination by alter- native lifestyle tutors who were mostly gay. I sucked in every ounce of juice they dished and prayed that I was able to grasp enough knowledge to make my delivery believable. Just like faking an orgasm,onehastotimeitjustrightforit to be ecstatic with a tone of honesty. So, I went on stage and gave it the best or- gasmic performance I could muster and was received rapturously.
Honestly, it was like Snow White doing her first “tiger show,” then elop- ing with seven men, and then headlin- ing “Snow on My Blossum” on the Vegas Strip. But that was quite a long while ago, and along the way I’ve picked up a few new tricks. And as I embrace all the titles given to me and my persona with grace, it’s nice to know that it will all just be me, Kam in your face. Revolting and pleasingly so.