Esquire: Dirty Thoughts
Sometimes it’s all right to get your mind into the gutter, as long as you don’t fall in yourself.
“Esquire Malaysia October 2011″ Esquire have kindly allowed me to reprint the monthly articles that I’ve been writing for them for the last few years. This week’s blast from the past comes from October 2011. Check out Esquire Malaysia each month for my latest articles.
Everybody has sexual fantasies. And you can bet your bottom ringgit that even your partner, who’s obviously in a happy, healthy, and loving relationship with you has, at one time or another, thought about someone else while in throes of ecstasy. And we all know the couple where one of them is the good-looking half and the other one is the half that only a mother or a drunken sailor could love. Take the dearly departed Anna Nicole Smith and her dearly departed, eighty-something- year-old, multimillionaire husband. I’m sure she must’ve fantasised about all those Benjamin Franklins whenever she had to lay her hands on him. And what goes around comes around. Women suff er from the Madonna/whore complex, too. You know, a lady on the street but a freak in the bed. It’s why even the most conservative women will starve themselves to squeeze into some lacy knickers or crotchless panties, because they know that playing dress-up as a Victoria’s Secret angel or role modeling as skanky ho will get their men just a little more pumped up. After all, a man’s overactive imagination is horny thing. Just ask those geek princesses who doll up every Halloween in Princess Lea’s slave girl gold bikini. It sure lights up the sabres on those Jedi wannabes.
So the question is, is mental infidelity so wrong? To me, having dirty thoughts about someone other than your partner is pretty normal. It might even spice up your sex life—as long as you keep it only in your head and, for goodness sake, open your eyes just before the end and say the right name. According to a survey by the University of Vermont, eighty four percent of American couples confessed that they fantasied about someone else during sex, with some couples admitting that they felt guilty, immoral, and even hurt about their soggy dreams. But what the survey also learned is that this eighty four percent chalked up greater sexual gratification and had fewer sexual problems than those who worried that their wandering minds would harm their relationships.
In a perfect world, couples should and would be thinking only about each other while naked together, but sometimes you can’t stop your subconscious from shoving your teenage dream into the act. Of course, sometimes it reminds you of that time you walked into your parents’ bedroom while they were … you know. Truth is, there is a difference between lust and love, and hopefully you know where to draw the line. Besides, more often than not, a fantasy will stay that way because we know better than to jeopardise the real thing that we’ve got. Ultimately, dirty thoughts can be fun, and they should be frivolous, and they better damned well be short-lived. Because if you’re dreaming about shagging your wife’s best friend all the bloody time, then you need to do some serious soul-searching. In the meantime, wake up and take a cold shower.